Christmas Jokes!

This time, all are jokes, no knock knock ones...

What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ?
They both drop their needles !
What's Christmas called in England ?
Yule Britannia !
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?
Thanks, I'll never part with it !
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ?
Beacause a little water ends both of them !
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ?
A pineapple !
What do you give a train driver for Christmas ?
Platform shoes !
What did the big candle say to the little candle ?
I'm going out tonight !
Whats happens to you at Christmas ?
Yule be happy !
How long does it take to burn a candle down ?
About a wick !
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !
Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !
Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !
Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !
Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty
What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake
Tarzipan !
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !
What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !
Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed !
What bird has wings but cannot fly ?
Roast turkey !
Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth !
We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
Really, we had turkey !
Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus !
What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
Grave-y !
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy ?
She gave him the cold shoulder !
What do snowmen wear on their heads ?
Ice caps !
What do snowmen eat for lunch ?
Icebergers !
Where do snowmen go to dance ?
Snowballs !
How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !
What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !
How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo !
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
?Horn?-aments!
How can Santa's sleigh possibly fly through the air?
You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!
What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She?d go to a ?re-tail?shop for a new one!
Why is Prancer always wet?
Because he?s a ?rain?-deer!
Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!
Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?
?Rude?-olph!
What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want because he can?t hear you!
What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke?
This one will ?sleigh? you!
How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-?deer?!
What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
?Elk?-a-seltzer!
How do you get into Donner's house?
You ring the ?deer?-bell!
What's red and white and gives presents to gazelles?
Santelope!
How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!
Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was ?elf?-taught!
Why did Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they look silly in snowsuits!
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten!
One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other?s shoulders!
Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low ?elf?esteem!
How long should an elf's legs be?
Just long enough to reach the ground!
What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
"First, YULE LOGon"!
Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log!
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars?
Elfis!
One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas dinner".
And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!"
How do elves greet each other?
"Small world, isn't it?"
Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in?
Mini vans!